12 Days of Xmas

12 days of xmas.
December 14, 2005

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge ina Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

December 15, 2004

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

December 16, 2004

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deservesuch generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I mustinsist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

December 17, 2004

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being tooromantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2004

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all thosebirds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2004

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2004

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming.What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm anervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those frigging birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2004

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maidsa milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking,but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over thelawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

December 22, 2004

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maidssince they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going todo? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.You'll get yours !

Agnes

December 23, 2004

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause whythe building shouldn't be condemned.I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

December 24, 2004

Listen #%*#head:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies?Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran throughthe maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. Alltwenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death inthe orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2004

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss AgnesMcHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach MissMcHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.