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No One Believe Seniors

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their
old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,
so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had
carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not
sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the
money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid
it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for
the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find
a money bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us
the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here.

How To KNow You Growing Older

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
2. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
3. You get winded playing chess.
4. You're still chasing women, but don't remember why.
5. You look forward to a dull evening.
6. You turn out the light for economic rather then romantic
reasons.
7. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
8. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
9. Dailing long distance wears you out.
10. Your back goes out more than you do.
11. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a
pretty girl go by.
12. You sink youe teeth into a steak and they stay there.
13. A fortune teller offers to read your face.
14. You got to much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
cabinet.
15. Your children look middle aged.
16. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
17. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

Some of the myths about marriage...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just
want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that
he must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't
decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over
and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry
Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so
excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even
play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is
jumping up and
down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man!!!"

Knockout

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding
his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and
-- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big
dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks
"GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when
all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and
says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had
enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without
saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" --
knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little
guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's
a crowbar from Sears.

A Letter To My Dogs & Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids .they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

The New Young Doctor

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging
doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor
accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the
community could get to know him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened
intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the
weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After
some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been
feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing
it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount
of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older
doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I
dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over
to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels
in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind
if I try it at the next house?"

"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician
replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with a widow. They spent
several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the
latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor
asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just
don't have as much energy as I used to."

"You've probably been doing too much volunteer work for the church,"
the younger doctor suggested without even examining his
patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably
correct, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"

"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my
stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked
around and saw the preacher hiding under the bed!"

Very Dry!

Colonel: "Sir, a letter was just sent to us reporting a severe water
shortage at Company Charlie!"

General: "Oh, they're probably just exaggerating."

Colonel: "I don't think so, sir. The stamp was held on with a paper
clip!"

Hate Your Job?

Try this...

On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

Pedro And Maria

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak,
but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a
honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro
was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"

Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the
world with one of these." And then proceeded to show her what it was
for, and Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home
that evening Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.

"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of
those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the
shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend.
I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the
world with one of those."

Marie being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing
again that night.

Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home
Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"

"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

Passing Gas

An elderly couple was attending church services when
about halfway through she leans over and says to him,
"I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think
I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery
in your hearing aid..."

Pig Apples

This guy was sittin' out on his porch. Up the way, he saw his
hillbilly neighbor holding up one of his pigs in an apple tree. The
pig was eating the apples. Whenever the pig got full, he sat him
down and got another...

Finally, the guy walks over and says "Thats mighty good natured of
you, but ain't that a terrible waste of time?

The hillbilly replies: "Well, what's time to a pig?

Double Please

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? Of course,
he rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch.
Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive
DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari! " A Ferrari appeared in front of
the man.

"Now every politician in the world has two Ferrari's," said the Genie.
"Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars..." replied the man, and a million dollars
appeared at his feet.

"Now every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the
Genie.

"That's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?"

The man thought and thought and thought and finally said, "Well, you
know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

What Time?

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from
his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and
park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet street he chose happened to be one
of the city's most popular jogging routes. No sooner had he settled
back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked
out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man
looked at the car clock and answered, "7:15."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was
just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and
another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"7:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left.

Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was
only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the
problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window
saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when
there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 7:45!"

Pilot Affair

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but
she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when
his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told
you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...

Sausage Factory

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

My Ex

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant.

The husband kept looking over at a nearby table where a lady had
obviously had too much to drink.

The wife asks "I notice you've been watching that lady for some time
now. Do you know her?"

"Yes" he replies, "she's my ex-wife. She has been drinking like that
since I left her seven years ago."

"That's unbelievable" the wife replies. "I wouldn't think anybody
could celebrate that long."

Golfing Buddies

Joe: "Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?"

Mike: "Would you play with someone who curses after each shot,
cheats in the bunkers, makes noise while you putt and enters false
scores on his card?"

Joe: "No!"

Mike: "Neither will Bob."

Poker Demise

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse
when Jim loses $500 on a single hand. He clutches his chest and
drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue
the game standing up.

Bill looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell Jim's wife?"

They draw straws. Mark picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion
is my middle name, leave it to me."

Mark goes over to Jim's apartment and knocks on the door. Jim's wife
answers and asks what he wants.

Mark declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come
home."

"He should be afraid! Tell him I said he can drop dead!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him."

Lost In Mall

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He
approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost
my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then
replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

Curing Your Fears

Bob went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I
think there`s somebody under it. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you
ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed
it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and ?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr
Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

The Sex Therapist

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told
her friend.

"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of
going to a sex therapist", said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary.
"But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how
did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical
exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He
told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of
grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss
the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my
vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I
ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful,
in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with
the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the
doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing
I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John,
surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give
us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop
at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

Nuns

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what
you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors
dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

My Resume

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I
couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard.

My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but
the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for
the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as
a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

So, I retired and I found I'm perfect for the job!

Astounding

Tillie and Millie, two old girl friends, met for lunch. "I married a
wealthy clothing manufacturer," announced Tillie, "and he bought me a
yacht for my birthday."

"Astounding!" said Millie.

"I have charge accounts in all the department stores," said Tillie.

"'Astounding!" said Millie.

"I have a drawer full of rubies and emeralds and my husband bought me a
twenty five carat diamond ring for our second anniversary," said Tillie.

"Astounding!" said Millie.

"Enough about me," said Tillie, "What have you been doing?"

"Oh," answered Millie, "I'm going to charm school."

"Really, what did you learn there?" asked Tillie.

"Well, for one thing, they taught me to say 'astounding'
instead of 'bullsh*t'," replied Millie.

Same Place

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk
hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big
bucks.

The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading
their gear into the plane, including the six elk.

But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of
your
elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot
had
allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and
capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard.
But
when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane
could
not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know
where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same
place where we crashed last year."

2 Things

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and
told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied,
"OK." He said, "Will you marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what
his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"

Parachutist

An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who
was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the
ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air
performance of their parachutes.

The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down
towards the earth.

Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he
pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of
seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.

"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race,
do ya?!"

Southern Dialect

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

What's Under Your Bed

Three jockeys were enjoying a night's drinking. As the evening passed
they became more and more morose.

The first jockey said "My wife's having an affair with an electrician!"
When asked how he knew he explained that he had found a voltmeter under
his bed.

The second jockey also admitted that his wife had a lover, but that he
was a plumber as he'd found a monkey wrench under his bed.

The third jockey was by now looking really depressed and after some
urging admitted that his wife was also having an affair, but that he
knew that she was sleeping with a horse!

Asked how he knew the third jockey replied, "Last night I came home and
found a jockey under my bed!"

Worm Trick

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

Getting Away

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one
knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day
of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was
obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must
be the worst golfer in the world."

The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy
named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"

Pieces Of Pie

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result,
they seldom had guests.

Johnny was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with
two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen
and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to
his father, who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a
second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to
a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "Nice try, Dad, but
the pieces are all the same size."

Gone to Sea

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent
to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the
prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by
announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the
prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Spanish

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in
Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or
feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(''el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Marital Definations

BACHELOR:

A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

BRIDE:

A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

COMPROMISE:

An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT:

A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN:

A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

HOUSEWORK:

What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

HUSBAND:

A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:

A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE:

An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MISS:

A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

MISTRESS:

Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

SPOUSE:

Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

WIFE:

A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

Wheelchair

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who
are being discharged. However, while my friend was working
as a student nurse, she found one elderly gentleman - already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -
who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her
wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his
wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."

Confortable

When my wife was rushed to rush the hospital unexpectedly, she asked
me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list
was "comfortable underwear."

Not sure what she considered comfortable, I asked, "How will I know
which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile,
put them back."

Baby Name

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto .
She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When
she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits
down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he
says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is
everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were
able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a
."

The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The
doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home
with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were
unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave
the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot!
What name did he give my little ?" The doctor answered that her
name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give
my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

Area 51

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high- security, super-secret
base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They
immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an
interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and
spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force
started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight
during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was
lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a
terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of
spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way
on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna
showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this
time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and
said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you
have to tell her where I was last night!"

Seagull

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on
the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an
eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate
replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a
school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my
leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the
pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other
sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A
seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked
incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my
hook"

Fleeing Hospital

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his
operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

First Grey Hair

When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to
my parents:

"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to
experience this with me too."

I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father's response was in the form of a poem:


It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.


He signed off with this observation:

"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"

2 Aspirin

A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky
but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with
her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear"

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Newlyweds

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on.'

She did and said," these are too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we
have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took
off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

Women With Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was working out at a health club and noticed a woman riding a stationary bike, reading a book, listening to music on her headphones,andoccasionally stealing glances at the soap opera on the TV. Then Iglanced at the title of her book: "Women With Attention Deficit Disorder".

Free Credit Card

1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A
2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business
Reply Mail Envelope.
4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold
in your hand.
5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away
whistling.
I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies
telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather
then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that
they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says
Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your
business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an
added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope
so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about
the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After
yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my
demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this
very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

Do Our Own Thinking

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?""It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Love, Lust & Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

Marriage Is About Sharing

As the waitress served the elderly couple, she noticed something very
unusual. The man began to eat his meal while his wife stared patiently
out the window.

"Is there something wrong with your food?" the waitress asked the lady.

"No, the food looks great," she replied.

"Aren't you afraid your food will get cold if you wait much longer to
eat?" the waitress queried further.

"Oh," the lady replied, "that's all right."

"Well aren't you hungry?" the waitress finally asked.

"I sure am," the lady replied. "I'm just waiting until my husband gets
through with the teeth."

Drink Alcohol

A biology teacher wished to strate to his students the harmful
effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed
them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving
civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the
worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said," what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll
never have worms."

Eat Like A Horse

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company
was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came
in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing.

"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr.
Smythe's place."

"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy
says he always eats like a horse!"

Swallowed By A Whale

A little boy was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little boy stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little boy said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little boy replied, "Then you ask him!"

Hell Freeze

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the
came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement,
he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and
seemed to be quite comfortable. The asked why they
weren't hot.

Olie replied, "We come from Minnesota where it's always cold.
This is feeling pretty good to us." This upset the , so he
turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the looked in
again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were
still wearing their winter gear. The questioned them on
it again. "You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and
it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us."

The was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat
all the way up to maximum temperature. The waited some
time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found
they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their
winter clothes on. The couldn't understand what was going
on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable
heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what
the deal was. Sven replied, "We are Minnesotans and we just got
over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.

A light flickered in the 's mind. He went to the
thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a
punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A
little while later the came back to check in on Sven and
Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high
fives, happier than ever! The questioned them on their
actions and Sven said happily, "Back home they always said, the
Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes % !!"

Duct Tape Can't Fix Everything

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I
wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage
to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She
answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

Fire

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

Fire

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

Left-Turn Indicator

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.
Since it
was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing -tip light.
Finally,
she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the
pilot
that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

Nuns And The Parrot

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church
to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a
big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house,
the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard,
"Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors
perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her
discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe
that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the
house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up,
"Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that,
she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any
underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and
proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the
bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and
forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot
spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

Family Problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You
think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got
married and got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my
step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became
mother-in-law of her father-in-law."

"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy
was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the
son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.
That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of
my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father,
the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I
am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my
son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER !"

"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!

Checkup - Mexico

In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup,
my friend, a gynecologist, struck up a casual conversation.

After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico,"
he asked his patient,

"So when were you in Mexico?"

Flabbergasted, the patient asked,

"You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"

Honeymoon Prank

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married,
Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now
ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was
coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up
during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be
married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers,
and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect
working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even
checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved).
Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away
unscathed, the couple fell into bed and put their attention to
consummating the union.

Upon waking after such an active night, the couple was ravenous so
Bill called down to room service and asked "Can I get breakfast for
two?". Before he was able to hang up, however, a soft voice from under
the bed said "Make that five..."

20 Tigers

Kolkata....

Yesterday there was a rare picture obtained of 20 tigers together here.
It is not a photoshop creation but a picture of a rare happening.

Leather

When a woman wears leather clothing:

A man's heart beats quicker,

and his throat gets dry,

and he goes weak in the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?








Because she smells like a new truck...

Crazy Ads

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Two Men Talking

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

2 Women Talking

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think
my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? Your face is adorable. You could easily get
one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually
going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything
to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms,
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier.