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No One Believe Seniors

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their
old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,
so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had
carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not
sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the
money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid
it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for
the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find
a money bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us
the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here.

How To KNow You Growing Older

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
2. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
3. You get winded playing chess.
4. You're still chasing women, but don't remember why.
5. You look forward to a dull evening.
6. You turn out the light for economic rather then romantic
reasons.
7. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
8. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
9. Dailing long distance wears you out.
10. Your back goes out more than you do.
11. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a
pretty girl go by.
12. You sink youe teeth into a steak and they stay there.
13. A fortune teller offers to read your face.
14. You got to much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
cabinet.
15. Your children look middle aged.
16. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
17. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

Some of the myths about marriage...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just
want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that
he must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't
decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over
and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry
Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so
excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even
play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is
jumping up and
down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man!!!"

Knockout

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding
his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and
-- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big
dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks
"GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when
all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and
says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had
enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without
saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" --
knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little
guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's
a crowbar from Sears.

A Letter To My Dogs & Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids .they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

The New Young Doctor

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging
doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor
accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the
community could get to know him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened
intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the
weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After
some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been
feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing
it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount
of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older
doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I
dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over
to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels
in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind
if I try it at the next house?"

"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician
replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with a widow. They spent
several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the
latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor
asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just
don't have as much energy as I used to."

"You've probably been doing too much volunteer work for the church,"
the younger doctor suggested without even examining his
patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably
correct, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"

"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my
stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked
around and saw the preacher hiding under the bed!"

Very Dry!

Colonel: "Sir, a letter was just sent to us reporting a severe water
shortage at Company Charlie!"

General: "Oh, they're probably just exaggerating."

Colonel: "I don't think so, sir. The stamp was held on with a paper
clip!"

Hate Your Job?

Try this...

On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

Pedro And Maria

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak,
but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a
honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro
was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"

Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the
world with one of these." And then proceeded to show her what it was
for, and Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home
that evening Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.

"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of
those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the
shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend.
I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the
world with one of those."

Marie being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing
again that night.

Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home
Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"

"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

Passing Gas

An elderly couple was attending church services when
about halfway through she leans over and says to him,
"I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think
I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery
in your hearing aid..."

Pig Apples

This guy was sittin' out on his porch. Up the way, he saw his
hillbilly neighbor holding up one of his pigs in an apple tree. The
pig was eating the apples. Whenever the pig got full, he sat him
down and got another...

Finally, the guy walks over and says "Thats mighty good natured of
you, but ain't that a terrible waste of time?

The hillbilly replies: "Well, what's time to a pig?

Double Please

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? Of course,
he rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch.
Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive
DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari! " A Ferrari appeared in front of
the man.

"Now every politician in the world has two Ferrari's," said the Genie.
"Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars..." replied the man, and a million dollars
appeared at his feet.

"Now every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the
Genie.

"That's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?"

The man thought and thought and thought and finally said, "Well, you
know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

What Time?

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from
his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and
park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet street he chose happened to be one
of the city's most popular jogging routes. No sooner had he settled
back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked
out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man
looked at the car clock and answered, "7:15."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was
just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and
another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"7:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left.

Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was
only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the
problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window
saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when
there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 7:45!"

Pilot Affair

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but
she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when
his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told
you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...

Sausage Factory

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

My Ex

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant.

The husband kept looking over at a nearby table where a lady had
obviously had too much to drink.

The wife asks "I notice you've been watching that lady for some time
now. Do you know her?"

"Yes" he replies, "she's my ex-wife. She has been drinking like that
since I left her seven years ago."

"That's unbelievable" the wife replies. "I wouldn't think anybody
could celebrate that long."

Golfing Buddies

Joe: "Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?"

Mike: "Would you play with someone who curses after each shot,
cheats in the bunkers, makes noise while you putt and enters false
scores on his card?"

Joe: "No!"

Mike: "Neither will Bob."

Poker Demise

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse
when Jim loses $500 on a single hand. He clutches his chest and
drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue
the game standing up.

Bill looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell Jim's wife?"

They draw straws. Mark picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion
is my middle name, leave it to me."

Mark goes over to Jim's apartment and knocks on the door. Jim's wife
answers and asks what he wants.

Mark declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come
home."

"He should be afraid! Tell him I said he can drop dead!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him."

Lost In Mall

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He
approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost
my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then
replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

Curing Your Fears

Bob went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I
think there`s somebody under it. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you
ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed
it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and ?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr
Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

The Sex Therapist

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told
her friend.

"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of
going to a sex therapist", said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary.
"But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how
did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical
exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He
told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of
grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss
the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my
vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I
ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful,
in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with
the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the
doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing
I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John,
surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give
us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop
at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

Nuns

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what
you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors
dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

My Resume

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I
couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard.

My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but
the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for
the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as
a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

So, I retired and I found I'm perfect for the job!

Astounding

Tillie and Millie, two old girl friends, met for lunch. "I married a
wealthy clothing manufacturer," announced Tillie, "and he bought me a
yacht for my birthday."

"Astounding!" said Millie.

"I have charge accounts in all the department stores," said Tillie.

"'Astounding!" said Millie.

"I have a drawer full of rubies and emeralds and my husband bought me a
twenty five carat diamond ring for our second anniversary," said Tillie.

"Astounding!" said Millie.

"Enough about me," said Tillie, "What have you been doing?"

"Oh," answered Millie, "I'm going to charm school."

"Really, what did you learn there?" asked Tillie.

"Well, for one thing, they taught me to say 'astounding'
instead of 'bullsh*t'," replied Millie.

Same Place

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk
hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big
bucks.

The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading
their gear into the plane, including the six elk.

But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of
your
elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot
had
allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and
capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard.
But
when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane
could
not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know
where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same
place where we crashed last year."

2 Things

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and
told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied,
"OK." He said, "Will you marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what
his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"

Parachutist

An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who
was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the
ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air
performance of their parachutes.

The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down
towards the earth.

Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he
pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of
seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.

"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race,
do ya?!"

Southern Dialect

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

What's Under Your Bed

Three jockeys were enjoying a night's drinking. As the evening passed
they became more and more morose.

The first jockey said "My wife's having an affair with an electrician!"
When asked how he knew he explained that he had found a voltmeter under
his bed.

The second jockey also admitted that his wife had a lover, but that he
was a plumber as he'd found a monkey wrench under his bed.

The third jockey was by now looking really depressed and after some
urging admitted that his wife was also having an affair, but that he
knew that she was sleeping with a horse!

Asked how he knew the third jockey replied, "Last night I came home and
found a jockey under my bed!"

Worm Trick

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

Getting Away

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one
knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day
of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was
obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must
be the worst golfer in the world."

The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy
named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"

Pieces Of Pie

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result,
they seldom had guests.

Johnny was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with
two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen
and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to
his father, who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a
second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to
a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "Nice try, Dad, but
the pieces are all the same size."

Gone to Sea

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent
to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the
prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by
announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the
prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Spanish

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in
Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or
feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(''el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Marital Definations

BACHELOR:

A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

BRIDE:

A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

COMPROMISE:

An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT:

A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN:

A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

HOUSEWORK:

What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

HUSBAND:

A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:

A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE:

An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MISS:

A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

MISTRESS:

Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

SPOUSE:

Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

WIFE:

A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

Wheelchair

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who
are being discharged. However, while my friend was working
as a student nurse, she found one elderly gentleman - already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -
who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her
wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his
wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."

Confortable

When my wife was rushed to rush the hospital unexpectedly, she asked
me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list
was "comfortable underwear."

Not sure what she considered comfortable, I asked, "How will I know
which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile,
put them back."

Baby Name

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto .
She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When
she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits
down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he
says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is
everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were
able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a
."

The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The
doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home
with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were
unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave
the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot!
What name did he give my little ?" The doctor answered that her
name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give
my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

Area 51

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high- security, super-secret
base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They
immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an
interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and
spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force
started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight
during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was
lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a
terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of
spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way
on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna
showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this
time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and
said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you
have to tell her where I was last night!"

Seagull

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on
the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an
eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate
replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a
school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my
leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the
pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other
sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A
seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked
incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my
hook"

Fleeing Hospital

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his
operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

First Grey Hair

When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to
my parents:

"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to
experience this with me too."

I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father's response was in the form of a poem:


It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.


He signed off with this observation:

"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"

2 Aspirin

A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky
but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with
her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear"

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Newlyweds

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on.'

She did and said," these are too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we
have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took
off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

Women With Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was working out at a health club and noticed a woman riding a stationary bike, reading a book, listening to music on her headphones,andoccasionally stealing glances at the soap opera on the TV. Then Iglanced at the title of her book: "Women With Attention Deficit Disorder".

Free Credit Card

1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A
2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business
Reply Mail Envelope.
4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold
in your hand.
5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away
whistling.
I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies
telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather
then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that
they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says
Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your
business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an
added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope
so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about
the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After
yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my
demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this
very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

Do Our Own Thinking

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?""It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Love, Lust & Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

Marriage Is About Sharing

As the waitress served the elderly couple, she noticed something very
unusual. The man began to eat his meal while his wife stared patiently
out the window.

"Is there something wrong with your food?" the waitress asked the lady.

"No, the food looks great," she replied.

"Aren't you afraid your food will get cold if you wait much longer to
eat?" the waitress queried further.

"Oh," the lady replied, "that's all right."

"Well aren't you hungry?" the waitress finally asked.

"I sure am," the lady replied. "I'm just waiting until my husband gets
through with the teeth."

Drink Alcohol

A biology teacher wished to strate to his students the harmful
effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed
them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving
civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the
worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said," what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll
never have worms."

Eat Like A Horse

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company
was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came
in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing.

"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr.
Smythe's place."

"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy
says he always eats like a horse!"

Swallowed By A Whale

A little boy was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little boy stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little boy said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little boy replied, "Then you ask him!"

Hell Freeze

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the
came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement,
he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and
seemed to be quite comfortable. The asked why they
weren't hot.

Olie replied, "We come from Minnesota where it's always cold.
This is feeling pretty good to us." This upset the , so he
turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the looked in
again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were
still wearing their winter gear. The questioned them on
it again. "You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and
it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us."

The was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat
all the way up to maximum temperature. The waited some
time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found
they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their
winter clothes on. The couldn't understand what was going
on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable
heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what
the deal was. Sven replied, "We are Minnesotans and we just got
over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.

A light flickered in the 's mind. He went to the
thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a
punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A
little while later the came back to check in on Sven and
Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high
fives, happier than ever! The questioned them on their
actions and Sven said happily, "Back home they always said, the
Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes % !!"

Duct Tape Can't Fix Everything

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I
wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage
to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She
answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

Fire

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

Fire

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

Left-Turn Indicator

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.
Since it
was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing -tip light.
Finally,
she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the
pilot
that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

Nuns And The Parrot

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church
to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a
big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house,
the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard,
"Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors
perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her
discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe
that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the
house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up,
"Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that,
she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any
underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and
proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the
bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and
forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot
spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

Family Problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You
think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got
married and got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my
step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became
mother-in-law of her father-in-law."

"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy
was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the
son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.
That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of
my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father,
the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I
am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my
son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER !"

"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!

Checkup - Mexico

In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup,
my friend, a gynecologist, struck up a casual conversation.

After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico,"
he asked his patient,

"So when were you in Mexico?"

Flabbergasted, the patient asked,

"You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"

Honeymoon Prank

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married,
Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now
ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was
coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up
during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be
married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers,
and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect
working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even
checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved).
Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away
unscathed, the couple fell into bed and put their attention to
consummating the union.

Upon waking after such an active night, the couple was ravenous so
Bill called down to room service and asked "Can I get breakfast for
two?". Before he was able to hang up, however, a soft voice from under
the bed said "Make that five..."

20 Tigers

Kolkata....

Yesterday there was a rare picture obtained of 20 tigers together here.
It is not a photoshop creation but a picture of a rare happening.

Leather

When a woman wears leather clothing:

A man's heart beats quicker,

and his throat gets dry,

and he goes weak in the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?








Because she smells like a new truck...

Crazy Ads

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered

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Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.
Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories
and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age
music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting.
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.
ISO compatible F.

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w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.

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DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking your
friends in closets, We already have three things in common !
Let's get together.

DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real inner
beauty. Send latest X-rays.

DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar
Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.

SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown
on"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot

Two Men Talking

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

2 Women Talking

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think
my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? Your face is adorable. You could easily get
one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually
going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything
to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms,
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier.

Jesus Golf

Jesus, Moses, and another guy are standing on the tee of a water hazard. Jesus hits the ball and hooks it into the water. Next, Moses tees up and also hooks it into the water. The third guy comes up to the tee and as he hits a big gust of wind comes up and blows his ball into the water as well.

All three walk up to the water together, Moses walks up to the water and strikes it with his sand wedge.The water parts and he hits it onto the fairway.

Next Jesus walks onto the water, the ball rises to the top of the water and Jesus pulls out his 5 iron and hits onto the green.

The third guy just stands there a moment, all of a sudden a fishereagle dives from the sky grabs the third guys ball out of the water carries it to the green and drops it into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says "That's the last time we play with your dad.

Cup Of Comotion

A man walks into a coffee shop, and is given a HUGE mug which he
takes to his table. Wut when he tries to drink it, he finds that
instead of coffee, the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers.
So he goes to complain.

The counter staff are not very helpful, so after arguing with them
for some time, he eventually gets them to call the shop manager.

The manager is indignant and barks back, "But it's exactly what you
asked for!"

"No it isn't!" says the customer, "how can this possibly be what I
ordered?"

"It's a cup o' chinos", says the manager.

Rivals

A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face
to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling
himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for
fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."

20 Bucks Or Else

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill
is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some.? Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.? "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.? "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a
lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each
time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20
or
off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"...

68 Cats

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a
mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he
does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and
very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy
the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to
catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you
could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me
from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far
this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Politician Lie

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the
countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver,
caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes
into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash
and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the
politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
"So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer.
"Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how
politicians lie."

Dealing With Mistake

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the is the father of
liars,' but instead I said 'the is the father of lawyers,' so
I let it go."

Small Room

Granny was visiting town for the first time.

She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She
follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes
her fist at him.

"Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, but that
don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at
all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not
even a bed!"

The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room,
it's the elevator."

Fate Of Cake

An overweight man decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He
took his new diet seriously, recruiting his co-workers for their
support and even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite
bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic
coffeecake. His fellow workers scolded him, but his smile remained
cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I ally
drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host
of goodies. I felt this was no , so I prayed, 'Lord, if you
want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, show me a sign--
let there be a parking place directly in front of the bakery,'

"Sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block,
there it was!"

Clean Glass

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!"

The waiter exits, returns.

Waiter: "Let's see, that's two teas. Which of you wanted the clean
glass?"

Grandma Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one
day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the
TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was
terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the
picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried
to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Everuthing Is Big In Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Pay Attention

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking
on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and licked on my index finger..... now learn to pay
attention...".

30 Languages

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city
he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it
to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty
different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home
to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the
parrot?" he asked her.

"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."

"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you
to eat! It spoke thirty languages!"

The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he
say something?"

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down
for the night, Holmes said:" Watson, look up into the sky and tell me
what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Flag Of Our Country

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia
page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the
American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"

A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."

"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our
country?"

'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.

Felony Trial

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during
a felony trial --it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you
have a locker room in the police station--a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS
WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through
that room...

Deacon At The Bar

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local
tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look
at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or
recognize my pickup."

The other shrugged and replied, "What difference does it make. God
knows we're in here, and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "Yeah, but I'm betting that God won't tell
my wife!"

Fun Things To Do In Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut
up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

$500

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards
with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the
floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he
saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up
and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water.

To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said
"Did you like what you saw?"

Mike said "Yes I did."

She said, "Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500."

So Mike thought about this financial situation and said okay. She said
come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then.

Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, and then he
left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?"

She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and
asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it
with you."

THe Purse

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under
the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that
the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded
me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box
containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained.
"I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the
man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though
we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse.
And we'd like to see just HOW you do it."

Blonde Selling A Car

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One
day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to
sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then
you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About
one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your
car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Littel Johnny

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black
eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell
you not to fight with the other boys?" "

"But Dad, it was not my fault.We were all in church saying our
prayers.We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in
the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.That`s when she
hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to
women."

The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church
saying our prayers.We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had
her dress in the crack of her butt.Then Louie who was sitting next to
me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t
like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Give Up

As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often
engage women psychology majors in heated discussions
about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I
got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the
larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when
they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that
men give up far more than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing
their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their
laundry."

Things That Drive Your Crazy

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry
comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian
finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your
filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to
open it.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a
counter just opening up.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary
because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store
that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't
find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and
smash your head on the way up.

Getting gas next to 12 people, just as the elevator doors close,
while going to the 39th floor.

Locking your keys in your car, looking through the window and
realizing the spare is in the wallet right next to it.

When someone brakes at a yellow light right in front of you just
as your speeding up.

You get 20 calls from telemarketers and on the 21st call you just
let them have a piece of your mind and its your mother.

When your mother calls during sex and you pick up the phone out
of habit.

Being in a traffic jam when the opposite direction is going 75 miles
an hour.

Your girlfriend wants to discuss your relationship during the Superbowl,
in the last minute of the 4th quarter, when the game is tied.

When your boss catches you reading these stupid jokes. Now get back
to work!

Kitchen Table

I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

C: But how do get there?

Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

Going To Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for
days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking
him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, "One of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

Change Of Job

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a police officer.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great, and the hours can be
awful. But I like the fact that the customer is almost always wrong."

A Glass Of Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Piece Of Bread

While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the
cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving
toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils
and return golden brown.

Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't
reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of
tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.

I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."

"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."

Flight Delay

Passengers say the takeoff was already delayed when the pilot came
on the intercom to announce: "There's a warning light for the
thermal expander valve on the number two engine and I will not fly
until it is replaced. Please return to the terminal waiting room."

The passengers were off the plane only ten minutes when they were
told to get aboard again. One concerned lady asked a flight
attendant, "Did they get the new thermal expander valve already?"

The attendant said, "My lands, no! There's not one of those things
within a thousand miles. They got us a new pilot."

Chain Of Events

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,

"Gosh... if I go downthree inches. I will feel the mist from the water and I will bere freshed.

"There was a fish in the water thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes downthree inches, I can eat him.

"There was a bear on the shore thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes downthree inches. That fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him.

"It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...."

Gosh," he thought, "if that flygoes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have aproper lunch.

"A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

"Gosh... if that flygoes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumpsfor that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.Then I can have mouse for lunch.

"The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in serious danger.

Computers Are Like Women

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spendinghalf your paycheck on accessories for it.

You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

Computers Are Like Men

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time theyare the problem.

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited alittle longer you could have had a better model.

They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

What Women Said About Men & Dog

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Neither does any dishes.

7. Both fart shamelessly.

8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

9. Both like dominance games.

10. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Bartenders Psychology

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately,they concurred on almost all counts.The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very pickytaste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested,she'll send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet eveningswith friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually,she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be aneasy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to gettotally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed.Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: TequilaNo explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

Smart Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and whilehe's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced lime sand eats them.

He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.

To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy,

"Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everythingin sight.

Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.

"The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschinocherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eatseverything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Close Shave

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming himup, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds withthe closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow likeeveryone else does."

Cop To Help

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,

"Are you a cop?""

Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,

"would you please tie my shoe?"

In Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and arethings people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and nowpublished by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm whilethese exchanges were actually taking place.
___________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something youforgot?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you thatmorning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved invoodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in hissleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depositionnotice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you goto?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when youbegan the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.