Jesus Golf

Jesus, Moses, and another guy are standing on the tee of a water hazard. Jesus hits the ball and hooks it into the water. Next, Moses tees up and also hooks it into the water. The third guy comes up to the tee and as he hits a big gust of wind comes up and blows his ball into the water as well.

All three walk up to the water together, Moses walks up to the water and strikes it with his sand wedge.The water parts and he hits it onto the fairway.

Next Jesus walks onto the water, the ball rises to the top of the water and Jesus pulls out his 5 iron and hits onto the green.

The third guy just stands there a moment, all of a sudden a fishereagle dives from the sky grabs the third guys ball out of the water carries it to the green and drops it into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says "That's the last time we play with your dad.

Cup Of Comotion

A man walks into a coffee shop, and is given a HUGE mug which he
takes to his table. Wut when he tries to drink it, he finds that
instead of coffee, the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers.
So he goes to complain.

The counter staff are not very helpful, so after arguing with them
for some time, he eventually gets them to call the shop manager.

The manager is indignant and barks back, "But it's exactly what you
asked for!"

"No it isn't!" says the customer, "how can this possibly be what I
ordered?"

"It's a cup o' chinos", says the manager.

Rivals

A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face
to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling
himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for
fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."

20 Bucks Or Else

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill
is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some.? Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.? "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.? "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a
lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each
time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20
or
off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"...

68 Cats

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a
mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he
does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and
very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy
the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to
catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you
could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me
from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far
this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Politician Lie

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the
countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver,
caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes
into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash
and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the
politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
"So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer.
"Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how
politicians lie."

Dealing With Mistake

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the is the father of
liars,' but instead I said 'the is the father of lawyers,' so
I let it go."

Small Room

Granny was visiting town for the first time.

She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She
follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes
her fist at him.

"Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, but that
don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at
all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not
even a bed!"

The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room,
it's the elevator."

Fate Of Cake

An overweight man decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He
took his new diet seriously, recruiting his co-workers for their
support and even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite
bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic
coffeecake. His fellow workers scolded him, but his smile remained
cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I ally
drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host
of goodies. I felt this was no , so I prayed, 'Lord, if you
want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, show me a sign--
let there be a parking place directly in front of the bakery,'

"Sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block,
there it was!"

Clean Glass

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!"

The waiter exits, returns.

Waiter: "Let's see, that's two teas. Which of you wanted the clean
glass?"

Grandma Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one
day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the
TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was
terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the
picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried
to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Everuthing Is Big In Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Pay Attention

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking
on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and licked on my index finger..... now learn to pay
attention...".

30 Languages

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city
he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it
to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty
different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home
to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the
parrot?" he asked her.

"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."

"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you
to eat! It spoke thirty languages!"

The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he
say something?"

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down
for the night, Holmes said:" Watson, look up into the sky and tell me
what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Flag Of Our Country

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia
page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the
American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"

A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."

"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our
country?"

'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.

Felony Trial

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during
a felony trial --it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you
have a locker room in the police station--a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS
WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through
that room...

Deacon At The Bar

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local
tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look
at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or
recognize my pickup."

The other shrugged and replied, "What difference does it make. God
knows we're in here, and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "Yeah, but I'm betting that God won't tell
my wife!"

Fun Things To Do In Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut
up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

$500

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards
with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the
floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he
saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up
and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water.

To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said
"Did you like what you saw?"

Mike said "Yes I did."

She said, "Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500."

So Mike thought about this financial situation and said okay. She said
come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then.

Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, and then he
left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?"

She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and
asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it
with you."

THe Purse

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under
the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that
the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded
me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box
containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained.
"I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the
man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though
we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse.
And we'd like to see just HOW you do it."

Blonde Selling A Car

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One
day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to
sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then
you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About
one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your
car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Littel Johnny

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black
eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell
you not to fight with the other boys?" "

"But Dad, it was not my fault.We were all in church saying our
prayers.We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in
the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.That`s when she
hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to
women."

The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church
saying our prayers.We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had
her dress in the crack of her butt.Then Louie who was sitting next to
me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t
like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Give Up

As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often
engage women psychology majors in heated discussions
about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I
got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the
larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when
they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that
men give up far more than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing
their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their
laundry."

Things That Drive Your Crazy

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry
comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian
finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your
filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to
open it.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a
counter just opening up.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary
because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store
that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't
find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and
smash your head on the way up.

Getting gas next to 12 people, just as the elevator doors close,
while going to the 39th floor.

Locking your keys in your car, looking through the window and
realizing the spare is in the wallet right next to it.

When someone brakes at a yellow light right in front of you just
as your speeding up.

You get 20 calls from telemarketers and on the 21st call you just
let them have a piece of your mind and its your mother.

When your mother calls during sex and you pick up the phone out
of habit.

Being in a traffic jam when the opposite direction is going 75 miles
an hour.

Your girlfriend wants to discuss your relationship during the Superbowl,
in the last minute of the 4th quarter, when the game is tied.

When your boss catches you reading these stupid jokes. Now get back
to work!

Kitchen Table

I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

C: But how do get there?

Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

Going To Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for
days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking
him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, "One of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

Change Of Job

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a police officer.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great, and the hours can be
awful. But I like the fact that the customer is almost always wrong."

A Glass Of Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Piece Of Bread

While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the
cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving
toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils
and return golden brown.

Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't
reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of
tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.

I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."

"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."

Flight Delay

Passengers say the takeoff was already delayed when the pilot came
on the intercom to announce: "There's a warning light for the
thermal expander valve on the number two engine and I will not fly
until it is replaced. Please return to the terminal waiting room."

The passengers were off the plane only ten minutes when they were
told to get aboard again. One concerned lady asked a flight
attendant, "Did they get the new thermal expander valve already?"

The attendant said, "My lands, no! There's not one of those things
within a thousand miles. They got us a new pilot."

Chain Of Events

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,

"Gosh... if I go downthree inches. I will feel the mist from the water and I will bere freshed.

"There was a fish in the water thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes downthree inches, I can eat him.

"There was a bear on the shore thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes downthree inches. That fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him.

"It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...."

Gosh," he thought, "if that flygoes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have aproper lunch.

"A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

"Gosh... if that flygoes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumpsfor that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.Then I can have mouse for lunch.

"The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in serious danger.

Computers Are Like Women

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spendinghalf your paycheck on accessories for it.

You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

Computers Are Like Men

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time theyare the problem.

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited alittle longer you could have had a better model.

They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

What Women Said About Men & Dog

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Neither does any dishes.

7. Both fart shamelessly.

8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

9. Both like dominance games.

10. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Bartenders Psychology

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately,they concurred on almost all counts.The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very pickytaste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested,she'll send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet eveningswith friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually,she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be aneasy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to gettotally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed.Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: TequilaNo explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

Smart Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and whilehe's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced lime sand eats them.

He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.

To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy,

"Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everythingin sight.

Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.

"The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschinocherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eatseverything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Close Shave

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming himup, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds withthe closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow likeeveryone else does."

Cop To Help

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,

"Are you a cop?""

Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,

"would you please tie my shoe?"

In Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and arethings people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and nowpublished by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm whilethese exchanges were actually taking place.
___________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something youforgot?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you thatmorning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved invoodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in hissleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depositionnotice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you goto?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when youbegan the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

What Would You Like Them To Said

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?

"Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a finespiritual leader, and a great family man.

"Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacherand servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.

"Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

How Do You Feel

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says .

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.

How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like anew-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants !!

Paper Airplane

Little Benny was looking depressed, so his fourth grade teacher, MissFeldman, asked,

"What's the problem, Benny? I hope it's not homeworkagain..."

"Well, uh, yes it is, ma'am," replied Little Benny.

"I made my homeworkpaper into a paper airplane."

"Benny, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," Miss Feldman said,

"but this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but it's worse than that..." replied Little Benny,

looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked!"

Three Roses

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmeticsurgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory asher bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fire place.

Time and child birth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse,

"They're very nice"

"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operationwent so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to saythanks".

"Gosh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation wassuch a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll bethe first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse.

He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears.

Knock You Out For Free

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist.

She called his office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?"Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly."

Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor.

"I knock you out for free. The 1200dollars is for bringing you back around."

12 Days of Xmas

12 days of xmas.
December 14, 2005

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge ina Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

December 15, 2004

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

December 16, 2004

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deservesuch generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I mustinsist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

December 17, 2004

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being tooromantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2004

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all thosebirds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2004

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2004

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming.What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm anervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those frigging birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2004

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maidsa milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking,but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over thelawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

December 22, 2004

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maidssince they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going todo? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.You'll get yours !

Agnes

December 23, 2004

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause whythe building shouldn't be condemned.I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

December 24, 2004

Listen #%*#head:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies?Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran throughthe maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. Alltwenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death inthe orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2004

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss AgnesMcHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach MissMcHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Take The Poison

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.

"The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.

" The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?

" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?

" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,

"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for THREE hours.

You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi! replied,

"Take the poison."

Why Men Lie?

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above ariver, his axe fell intothe river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.The woodcutter replied,

"No."The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No.

"The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,

"Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!

"The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!

"The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried,

"Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, you would have come upwith Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife.

Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.

"The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, andf or the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

Refrigerator

Bill had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch theplane for their two-week's vacation in France.

"I wish we'd brought the refrigerator with us," said Morris.

"What on earth for?" asked the wife.

"I've left our airline tickets on it."

Ugly Suit

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's handwas bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, Morris, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" Morris said.

"I finally sold that terrible, uglysuit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked."

"That's the one!" said the clerk.

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid ofthat monstrosity!

That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!

But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," Morris replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

That's The Owner

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it withan appraising eye.

"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter.

"That's the owner."

Forgive Your Enemies

The preacher's, Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies".

Toward theend of the service, he asked his congregation, "How many of you haveforgiven their enemies?"

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question.

As itwas past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one smallelderly lady."Mrs. Jones," inquired the preacher,

"Are you not willing to forgiveyour enemies?""I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly."Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual.

How old are you?""Ninety-three." She replied.

Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in theworld.

"The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced thecongregation, and said: "It was easy, I outlived those witches."

Two Drops Of Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruiseto celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would liketo buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotchwith two drops of water." "Coming! right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learnedhow to hold your liquor.

Holding your water, however, is a whole otherissue."

Piggy

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical'for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested.

Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank,

"so you fill out the application"

"Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.'

After a slighthesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

30,000 Cockraches

A housewife called up a pet store and said,

"Sendme thirty-thousand cockroaches at once."

"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousandcockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.

"Well," replied the woman,

"I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly thesame condition I found them."

Old Goat

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland.As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through theprocess of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These", she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture whenthey no longer produce."

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

Butt Dust

Church
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer: "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on hisupturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient littlegirl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to hermother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"Church was pretty much over at that point...

Having Supper With A Nice Young Lady

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,one by one -"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked."Just a minute, I have to go piss."The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!""What about you John, how would you say it?""I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be rightback."The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice tosay the word bathroom at the table.""And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and showus your good manners?""I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have toshake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get tomeet after supper."

What Time Is It ?

On some air bases, the military is on one side ofthe field and civilian aircraft use the other sideof the field, with the control tower in the middle.One day, on just such a field, the tower receiveda call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"The tower responded, "Who is calling?"The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.
If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.
If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple ofhours until quitting time."