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No One Believe Seniors

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their
old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,
so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had
carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not
sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the
money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid
it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for
the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find
a money bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us
the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here.

How To KNow You Growing Older

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
2. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
3. You get winded playing chess.
4. You're still chasing women, but don't remember why.
5. You look forward to a dull evening.
6. You turn out the light for economic rather then romantic
reasons.
7. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
8. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
9. Dailing long distance wears you out.
10. Your back goes out more than you do.
11. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a
pretty girl go by.
12. You sink youe teeth into a steak and they stay there.
13. A fortune teller offers to read your face.
14. You got to much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
cabinet.
15. Your children look middle aged.
16. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
17. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

Some of the myths about marriage...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just
want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that
he must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't
decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over
and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry
Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so
excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even
play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is
jumping up and
down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man!!!"

Knockout

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding
his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and
-- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big
dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks
"GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when
all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and
says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had
enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without
saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" --
knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little
guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's
a crowbar from Sears.

A Letter To My Dogs & Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids .they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

The New Young Doctor

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging
doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor
accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the
community could get to know him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened
intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the
weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After
some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been
feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing
it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount
of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older
doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I
dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over
to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels
in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind
if I try it at the next house?"

"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician
replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with a widow. They spent
several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the
latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor
asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just
don't have as much energy as I used to."

"You've probably been doing too much volunteer work for the church,"
the younger doctor suggested without even examining his
patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably
correct, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"

"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my
stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked
around and saw the preacher hiding under the bed!"